Accepting and learning from defeat

How to Lose with Grace and Dignity
　
1. Be Angry, But Not for Too Long. It's understandable to be upset when you lose, but dwelling on the loss, obsessing over it, or making it the focus of your life is more hurtful than helpful. In an earlier column, I offered five steps for dealing effectively with anger (BusinessWeek.com, 4/8/08), and as difficult as it may be to do so in every upsetting situation, it is in your own interest not to let anger get the best of you.
　　
2. Accept Reality. We often tell ourselves, "Where there's a will, there's a way." Unfortunately, we have less control over our lives than we'd like to believe, and there is nothing we can do to alter this. All the determination in the world cannot make other people do, say, or vote for something if they don't want to. It should lessen the blow to realize that there is only so much we can do to affect the change we seek.
　　
3. Look for the Lesson. Yes, we learn by winning. (Think about how you surprised yourself the last time you accomplished something you thought would be too difficult to achieve.) But we also learn by losing, if we have the courage to pay attention. In looking honestly at a failed attempt to get a job (BusinessWeek.com, 5/8/08), for example, or develop a romantic relationship, the lesson could be that we need to rethink our approach, or we need to change something about ourselves. The best way to succeed next time, or to learn how to handle defeat better, is to find the lesson from our loss and take it to heart.
　　
4. Cut Yourself Some Slack. I've said this before, but it bears repeating: The ethical responsibilities to be fair and compassionate apply to how we treat ourselves, not just others. Berating yourself for losing isn't a kind or decent way to treat yourself, and doing so prevents you from getting back into action, which can lead to further losses.
　　
5. Keep on the Sunny Side of Life. How many successful people do you know who are burdened by the weight of their past failures? If you let losing get the best of you, it will be all but impossible to go forward. Allow yourself to feel angry, but accept reality, learn from the experience, don't be too hard on yourself, and move on.
　
These guidelines are intended to help you make the best of a losing situation. Let's not forget, though, that the first order of business after losing is to congratulate the winner. Anyone can win. It takes a person of courage and grace to accept defeat and honor the victor. Such a person will move beyond loss and emerge a stronger and better person—and a true winner.
　
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14th entry
author : Bruce Weinstein, PhD
title : The Art of Losing Well
date : May 20, 2008
reference : http://www.businessweek.com/managing/content/may2008/ca20080520_180718.htm?chan=careers_managing+index+page_managing+your+career